Generator Room
Generator Room is the seventeenth level of Crash Bandicoot. In this stage, Crash stumbles deeper into the massive Uncle Cortie's Cortex Power Super-Conglomerate Incorporated facility, as everything gets darker and darker, for this is the generator room, in which the nuclear power is apparently generated, somehow! Despite the fact that massive amounts of electricity are being generated here, it is still illogically dark! That is because this generator room is, apparently, a rather very old generator room indeed! In fact, one could say that it is an ancient generator room, if one were a fan of the majestic Japanese word-folding art of hyperbole! Ancient enough, perhaps, that its graphics could be lazily reskinned into some sort of ancient temple-themed clusterfuckery? Certainly not, retard. I can personally assure you that Naughty Dog is not a company that would sink to the level of those sorts of lazy game-designing hoodwinks. Mark Cerny is the hardest-working man in 32-bit interactive show business, and you'd better not fucking suggest otherwise. The denizens of this generator facility - the usual lazy and boring Un-Holo-Projectors and Uncle Cortie's Patented Robo-Pincushions with Robo-Periscopes - would have to agree. ''Five Easy Steps to Workplace Supermorale'': Pinstripe Potoroo's Lessons from a Decade and a Half Ago That Are Depressingly Relevant Today Because the American Workforce is a Horrific Soul-Sucking Black Hole of Unerring Doom and Existential Despair Hey, kids! Are you the boss of an important and powerful corporation employing thousands of useless working-class peons? Are they not earning you as much as you'd truly desire, thus forcing you to merely frolic and roll around in a giant moneypile, as opposed to a supermassive moneypile, simply because they have come down with a horrific case of the useless working-class disease, "depression"? Would you like to make them superficially happier in your gigantic doom factories so that they will possess the heartfelt spirit to toil away slightly harder for your, but not their, monetary benefit? Well then, congratulations! You are exactly like world-renowned fictional professional businessman Pinstripe Potoroo in literally every way! Despite merely being a low-poly representation of a dirty, dirty furry fetishist, Pinstripe is a very wise man. Cortex Power was, perhaps, the most successful representation of a generic factory-themed platformer world uncreatively named after the upcoming final boss from the entire fifth generation of home console video electronic gaming, rivalled only, perhaps, by the delightful Grunty Industries, Inc. from Banjo-Tooie - the industry leader in production of tedious frustration! As such, through an exclusive deal with Pinstripe Publishing House, I present to you a series of poto-rules that totally poto-rule: Five Easy Steps to Workplace Supermorale, a set of guidelines I've learned from the quasi-weaselly business mastermind himself, compiled for the very first time ever into an easy-to-use pocket-size bulleted list format, for the low, low price of $199.95! *Your workers will feel more eager to do work for you, if they're doing it on easy-to-use state-of-the-art equipment. Upgrade all the PCs in the workplace to the Majestic Wave of the Future: Microsoft Windows 95! (Editor's Note: This tip is technically outdated, however, Windows 95 still works a lot better than the shit Microsoft is peddling today, so it stands, sort of!) *Everybody loves listening to music while they work. And everybody loves DEVO! See where I'm going with this? You should go hire Mark Mothersbaugh to compose a custom soundtrack for your workplace! According to Pinstripe, he is very washed-up, and therefore, very very cheap. *Your workers will be constantly nagging you to change their oil. But oil is sooooo expensive! According to Pinstripe, however, replacement oil makes literally no actual physical difference. It's just a placebo effect. As such, save yourself a ton of money by simply constantly reusing the same oil whenever you give your workers fakey sleight-of-hand "oil changes"! The immorality of this will nag at your soul, but your executive-size wallet will thank you! (Editor's Note: This tip mostly only applies to factories with robotic workers.) *Nothing makes your pathetic gruntlings happy like wacky ethnic nicknames! Pick some dirty greasy little foreign country as a whimsical theme and just....run with it. In the Generator Room at Cortex Power, Pinstripe says, they went with Italy. Pinstripe was, thus, known around the workplace as "Pinstripelli Potorotti". Chief Human Resources Officer Wilford Q. Herringbone became "Wilfordio Q. Herringbonicci". Chief Knowledge Officer Charles Linsey-Woolsey became "Chuckaroni Linseyguine-Woolsecelli". And so on. It was so whimsical that everyone simply ignored the fact that they weren't getting paid! *Want to make everyone happy yet make money for yourself at the same time? Then pimping out a designated "company whore" is the answer for you! Pinstripe made himself quite a hearty fistful of dough by sharing Tawna, the professional slut, with Cortex's lusty sexbot workers - and executive pimpery can also work for YOU! Your workers will thank you. I will also thank you, for the $199.95 I trust you'll now be sending me in the mail. Please? Otherwise you're a dirty smelly literature pirate and Emperor Wuu hates you. He would want me to beat you to death, with a blunt object. Trivia *This level's title not only alludes to the fact that this is a room, in which there is a generator, but also to the fact that this generator apparently requires a lot of room, as evidenced by the large size of this generator room, perhaps because a LOT of nuclear power electricity must be generated to power every other, non-generator, room on Cortex Island. (Especially the one where Tawna keeps all her industrial strength marital aids, which generate a lot of pleasure, for her very roomy vagina.) *Pinstripe Potoroo, under the aforementioned comical alias of "Pinstripelli Potorotti", leaves a message on the final door in this stage: "Safety First"! According to some fans, this is blatantly contradictory to the conditions of his company, which is really run down and shit. However, according to other fans, that aforementioned first group of fans were simply misinterpreting Pinstripelli-Welli-Woo-Hoo's words - he actually meant that, under his tenure as CEO, safety would be the very first thing to go. (Water coolers were the second.)